ELLE OH VEE EE

i think i’ve officially hit rock bottom. i just seriously thought “i wish i still cut myself.” WHO DOES THAT? especially after not throwing up for a month. do i just wish harm on myself? i suppose that could explain the people i surround myself with…

i’ve always had insomnia. but people ALWAYS told me “if you exercise and stop drinking so much caffeine, you’ll sleep fine.”

BULLSHIT. i have had ZERO caffeine today. no coffee. no tea. no soda. i’ve had water all day, an emergen-c, and one beer. i also took a nice hour-ish walk today, THEN went to the park with my friend and our other friend’s little girl and ran around there for a while. I GOT EXERCISE. I DIDN’T DRINK CAFFEINE. I STILL CAN’T SLEEP.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

people are stupid.

i wish i was pretty.

i wish i was thin.

this is all that’s going through my head on repeat right now.

and then realize that you don’t have the same relationship with them anymore.

drinking at home until Elise gets out of class. then i’ll go somewhere with her and drink. fuck that douchebag, and on top of that, i have a biopsy tomorrow and i am almost in official panic mode. i’m certain i have cancer. not only because i’m a hypochondriac, but also because that would just happen to me because nothing bad is ever enough, something worse has to jump on. so, yet, i’m sure this procedure will tell me that i have cancer and that i’ll never be able to have babies. now i will drink.

fuck you, asshole. apparently you’ve been lying to me this whole time, which i figured. yeah, i knew you guys were still talking and i honestly figured you would take her out today, but you had to come into work when you KNEW i was working and then, just in case i didn’t see you, text me to let me know you’re there. yeah, fuck you. go out of your way to flaunt her in my face. you’re lucky that you didn’t come up and say anything to me because i might have slapped you across the face.

i’m not sure how long i can do this.

i want to ask him, but i don’t.

i mean, yeah, sure, i want to know whether or not he actually wants to be with me, but i’m afraid to ask i think because i’m afraid of the answer.

but right now, i just can’t help it. maybe it’s because we’re not actually together, which means that there’s no sort of commitment at all. not even fake commitment. and maybe the fact that she’s his ACTUAL girlfriend. or was. idk. on a break. whatever that means…..

but really, the reason that i think it really bothers me, not only because i’ve liked him for a while and i know he loves her, but really because it was only this morning that he came over and woke me up to have sex and cuddle. and then he went out with her tonight. really dude? same day? ugh. and i just have this sinking suspicious(hello, jealously, i don’t see you often but you suck) that they’re still together….which means they’re probably also having sex. which is just not cool with me right now.

ugh. WHY DO I ALWAYS GET MYSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS?!

or maybe i’m just lying to myself………but i’m apparently that girl. the thing is, as much as i try to talk myself into thinking i’ll be okay with everything and that we can still be friends if he goes back to his gf/ex/whatever, i probably won’t. i’m gonna be hurt. really hurt. and the longer we keep this up, the worse it’ll be.

YET, i can’t bring myself to break it off, cuz whenever i try….well, something else happens instead. hmph.

because i know there’s someone else thinking about him too. and she’s the one that deserves it.

but what kills me is that while he’s thinking about her, i know, at least part of that time, he’s thinking about me. but i definitely don’t deserve it.

so now i either need to find someone else to go with, or i need to find someone who wants to buy my ticket.

i’m already passed my extension and i really need to get it done, but i am having a lot of trouble getting it out. plus, it’s kinda hard to BS for 4-5 pages. 2-3, sure, but 4-5 is more difficult. and i’m only on the first one…

i’m really sick of all of these assholes.

every time i think i’m over it, something else hits me over the head and i’m back where i started.

you know what? fuck today. fuck this whole week. every time i think something good may be happening (hello, quite a bit of sex was very welcome, though i would have preferred so much more), everything else gets all fucked up. i mean, yeah, it was kinda cool that i didn’t have to spend ten hours at work on monday and instead started drinking at noon, but yeah, that was lots of hours of work i missed out on. then leaving early the past couple of days because i was puking and sick. and today my back was hurting and blahhh. and my fucking register was 18 dollars short, so i got written up. tehy tried to play it off, like, it’s alright, dont’ worry, but i do worry. i hate this. i was only supposed to be MAYBE three or four dollars short because of my broken changer, but no. EIGHTEEN FUCKING DOLLARS. and i have no idea where it went. so i’m pissed. and then, they freaked me out asking if i was pregnant since i was throwing up and having back pains and shit. then i started freaking the fuck out. but, the good part about today was i just took a pregnancy test, since i was freaking out, and it’s negative. so yay. i’m not pregnant. but i’m still irritated.